The Econ 101 Party

 I am running for president.  As of this morning, I am founding a new political party, and running for president.  My party shall be called, "The Econ 101 Party."  After a long discussion with my closest advisor and best strategist-- my cat, Drusilla*-- it has become clear that political dysfunction has driven me to this.  I really had no other option.  As of this moment, I am a candidate for the highest office in the land.  My new political party will have a clear, coherent platform, as stated in this cockamamie blog which nobody reads, which is perfectly appropriate in oh, so many ways.

The Econ 101 Party stands, first and foremost, for the principles of Econ 101.  Thou shalt take Econ 101.  Thou shalt study Econ 101.  Thou shalt follow the lessons of Econ 101, and thou shalt not do anything ruled grotesquely, inanely or insanely stupid by the observations, equations, graphs and principles of Econ 101.

To whit, when the economy is shrinking, thou shalt both cut taxes and raise spending to stimulate said economy.  Yet when thy economy groweth again, thou shalt raise taxes and cut spending so that thou shalt cut thy deficit.**

When thou hast inflation, thou shalt trust in thy Fed to raise thy interest rates because, and I cannot stress this enough, fuck inflation!  To quote that great economist, Wendy Testaburger, "fuck inflation right in the ear!"

Above all, thou shalt do nothing so mindfucked that even a syphilitic lunatic smearing shit on the walls to keep notes on what the voices in his head tell him, no, not even he would be so buggeringly stupid as to do.

As for example, refusing to raise the debt ceiling, or using it as a hostage.  Do that, and you're out on the fucking street, asshole.

The first piece of legislation that I shall demand of Congress will be the repeal of the debt ceiling, and when they refuse, on every subsequent bill, I will veto each bill until they include a repeal of the goddamned, fucking debt ceiling!

Democrats spend too much, Republicans are blinkered on taxes, and collectively that's nuts, but the debt ceiling?

No.  No more of this.  Y'all need to go back and take Econ 101.  It is grading season, and every one of you motherfuckers has failed.  We have inflated grades to the point of meaninglessness, and you still failed.

What's next?  Rational choice theory.  Maybe you cover this in 102, but I don't care.  The Econ 101 Party is built on the premise that people are motivated by incentives.  As for example, if you decide to stop policing, and stop prosecuting, there will be more crime.  Thou shalt not respond to a crime wave by pulling back the police and refusing to prosecute criminals.

PS 101, which is close enough.  Social contract theory.  Hobbes.  The number one job of government is to establish some fucking order so that we do not live lives that are solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.

Fuck off, I'm not poor,*** and in Tommy's time, I'd be tall.

Are we about done here?  Look, this is a simple platform.  It's called, "Econ 101."  Now take a listen to national political dialog.

I'm sorry, but I have to make you do this.  Now ask me what the Econ 101 Party's platform is on whatever the fuck you just heard.

We have no platform on that.  Why not?  Two reasons.  Either we don't know, or we don't fucking care.  Science requires replication, and social science follows the same rules as the physical sciences.  We don't have a platform when we don't know because we don't bullshit you.  Also, we mostly don't care.

Bud Light?  Seriously, Bud Fucking Light?  I mean, I probably let some Bud Light touch my tongue in college, but I let a lot of things touch my tongue in coll... That is to say, I put a lot of things in my mou...

Who wrote it speech?!  Drusilla, get over here!

Gimme a sec, technical difficulties.

[mrRROWWW!!!]

Do not bother us with shit that does not matter.  There is an unconscionable death toll around the world from waterborne pathogens and malaria.  We're gonna take your fucking money and do something about that.  Why?  Numbers.  Don't whine to us unless you have something on that scale.  Why?  Our platform is fucking math.

But the best part?  No more debt ceiling drama.  The market is shaky, unnecessarily.  Money is at stake.  Real money.

No more games, no more stupid shit.

We realize, of course, that PS 101 says that Econ 101 has no chance, not just because I'm me, but because minor parties are irrelevant.  Duverger's law says that an electoral system built around a simple plurality rule strongly tends towards two parties.  However, that means the intrinsic futility of Econ 101 demonstrates its own importance.  Science, math and replication.

With that in mind, like Arlo said, it's a movement, and all you have to do to join is sing out the next time it comes around on the guitar.

You can't have everything you want in Econ 101!

No more stupid shit, 2024.

On the topic of off-putting things, Ruins.  "Economic Mond Possa," from Hyderomastgroningem.

*Spike had to be put to sleep a few years ago, the poor, little sweetie-pie.

**By the electoral vote standard, I will only do a little worse than Mondale!

***As of May 13, 2023, but we shall see whether or not the debt ceiling is breached, and if so, what that does to us all.